Reruns

“Why me Lord, what have I ever done to deserve even one of the pleasures I’ve known…”

This time of year is bittersweet.  My son was born 33 years ago tomorrow.  Every year I replay the days leading up to his birth and it astounds me that it feels like it did then.

I was in labor 23 hours and I was rushed for an emergency C-section when my water broke and it was green and his heart rate became very concerning.  The fear grips me to this day.

When he was taken, I was under general anaesthesia so I didn’t see him, but I was told he wasn’t breathing.  They resuscitated him for 11 minutes and when he finally started breathing he had grand mal seizures.  When I finally did see him, he was green and unconscious on a ventilator.  I remember seeing him laying there, lifeless and to this day, I relive what that heartbreaking moment felt like.

I remember my Mom and family holding a death vigil at the hospital for the next three days until I held him and he opened his eyes for the first time.  Until that moment, he had had no urine output, low body temperature and every time he was touched to draw blood he seized.  I only got to hold him because his doctor told me that was the last thing to do, they had tried everything else.

The battle for his life raged on for years.  When he was six months old I was told by a doctor that if he lived to be a year old, he would never walk and talk. If you’ve never experienced this kind of pain, no words do it justice.

Now almost 33 years later, I look at him and wonder how anyone who has ever met him doesn’t believe in God and the fact that He still is in the miracle business.  I stand in awe of what He has done in our lives.  I stand in his doorway at night listening to him breathe sometimes and cry thanking God for letting him live and not only live…thrive.  Why would He do that? Why bless me…bless us…like that? He could have died…he should have died as I could have/should have.

To not share what He has done in both our lives would be a crime.  I know God exists. I know He loves us.  I’m sure He has a more divine plan for our lives than we can imagine and I want you to know the same is true for you.

As I reflect on those bittersweet reruns, I’m jolted to the now.  I’m well aware of the fact our story could have been so different…and had I been my judge it would have been different.  I didn’t deserve to live and I didn’t deserve to have my son live.  But God chose different.  He chose to let us live and experience Him. We KNOW Him and what He can do with a surrendered heart, believing He can do exceedingly abundantly more than we can even conceive. Grace still prevails…almost 33 years later!

We all have things that have happened that we will never forget and sometimes feel the pain associated with them.  That’s just to show us how far we’ve come.  It’s okay to remember and when we do, let’s be grateful.  Happy birthday, Matt.  No matter what I will always, always be thankful God chose me to be your Mom.  I love you.

for the complete story/testimony, go to http://www.amazon.com and search for my book, “But Grace Prevailed” 

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