I used to pride myself on my faith – I’d tout what big faith I had. I was relishing all the good and all the blessings. Even though circumstances weren’t perfect I was smitten like we get with our first love. It was all good. Then things turned very bad. He allowed things in my life I frankly thought because He loved me He never would. That’s the rub of the Christian life.
I’ve said it before while going through this desert – I doubted big time. My “faith” crumbled and my hope faded. What in the world had I done wrong, why, why why…poor little Barbie…devastated and messed up I found it a struggle to find a mustard seed of faith. The whole experience thus far has shown me I’m not nearly as big a spiritual giant as I once thought I was.
There it is. The reason.
I see all the time praises about God and how good He is when people get a good outcome. What if we don’t? Is He still a good God? Some say losing a job, losing all material possessions, getting a divorce, children and other loved ones dying, addiction, homelessness and hungry is God’s will. Is it? If God’s good, how can those things be God’s will? It’s my understanding that God is good. So why are things so bad?
All I know is this. THROUGH all I have been through my shallow perceptions of Him have long since faded. My notions of how He should handle me and my circumstances have gone by the wayside. Through it all, my relationship with Him has deepened. I had to die. What I thought of Him and His ways had to be destroyed so I could have a heart, eyes and ears to see Him for who He is.
I believe He had to get me to a place where I had to let go of me, let go of my perceptions and my pride to see Him for who He is. Had it all not happened, I wouldn’t have. We don’t seek to have ourselves destroyed – we don’t like being wrong. We think we know…and we don’t until we know.
I think He chooses many different ways through which we have opportunities to grow a more intimate relationship with him. When we finally see that everything we thought is wrong and accept that, then He can begin to show Himself for who He really is, and His great personal love for us. His ways are definitely not our ways. I had to come a hard way but it’s been a wonderful way. Sorrow, loss and pain will reveal who we really are and what we really believe.