Tag Archives: done

Killing Me

I don’t like my perspective today.  I don’t like what I think will happen, what I see and what I feel.  I don’t like me or anything about me today. So I’m not doing it anymore.  I’m going to kill myself. I don’t have the desire to deal with me or “this” anymore.

I’m going to decide to trust God and what He says about me – that I’m cherished, beautiful, and the apple of His eye.  I’m going to believe He has a great plan for me, plans to prosper me.  He has hope for me and since I don’t (today), I’m going to keep moving on what He says and act like I believe it.  He’s my willpower and energy today because this ole gal is dead.  I’m choosing to “kill” her and not do anything, say anything or believe anything she says.  I’m living for and BY Him.

Some days that choice…that sacrifice is more significant than others.  Some days it’s easy and we live subconsciously doing our normal things without giving them a thought.  Other days we just don’t want to get out of bed.  Whether we’re going through something or recovering from having gone through something, some days we may not want to.

Even on good days, strong days, we should get ourselves out of the way and live for Him as that puts us in a different place, a better place…a place outside ourselves.  During those times, everything has more purpose and meaning and we see it’s really not about ourselves at all.

Killing ourself isn’t such a bad thing if it means sacrificing our wants and desires for Him and what He wants for us which is better and greater than we can imagine.  I’m willing to believe that and try it again today…are you?

Psalm 54:6 “Willingly I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks to Your name O LORD, for it is good.”

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What Was

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In all likelihood, this was a good storage building at one time.  Not anymore.  Full of who knows what, it’s dilapidated and forgotten now.  It captured my attention for some reason and when I go back, it reminds me of what was.

I see people all the time who have weathered many storms.  I wonder if any of us are even close to who we’re supposed to be.  The things life has brought our way, all the hurt, disappointment, tragedy, death, have taken their toll.

I look at my own life and wonder if there is anything worthwhile left.  There must be because God still has me here. Why, I don’t know.   My life, in some respects, doesn’t resemble my life at all.  The most important people to me have changed addresses, the things I used to care about I don’t anymore.  Sometimes I question the point of all this. What was makes me sad, in a way, but what still is, excites me.

I wonder what God will do next. I think I needed to be cleaned out, things needed to be removed. Perhaps I clung to things and people too much.  Perhaps they obstructed my heart and my view to what is really important.

I’ve learned that many things I valued have no real significance and that the only person who will never fail you is God.  The only love that lasts, in its intended form, is His.  I’ve learned, I really know that everything can be lost or taken, misconstrued or manipulated, but He can’t be.  He is true to his word and if all this hadn’t happened I wouldn’t know that.

I’ve learned that the choice to keep believing is ours. No matter what has happened, He knows the silent cries of our hearts.  He knows the truth – He doesn’t see through broken glass.  His picture of us, our lives, is the only real truth.  What He says, His view, is much more important than ours because it’s real and unaltered by anything that happens.

What was is gone and our view of what should be is tainted. No matter what is missing or changed, He still remains the same and if we let Him, He can rebuild what is left into the most beautiful dwelling.  He can heal all that hurt and create in us a new heart, not just mend but take the broken pieces and reconstruct a better us from the inside out.

This old building is a picture of what is left, the evidence of what the years have taken.  Others may see us as finished, broken, beyond repair but He sees something quite different:  a chance for a new creature and a promise for a better vessel in which He resides.  All the unnecessary is gone and a shell, a shell remains.  The lessons of what really matters are learned, not just survived.  That’s all He needs to begin the process of healing and restoring us into better than we were before.  I believe that. Do you?