Tag Archives: selfish

It’s a Beautiful Day to Die.

Who would have such a thought on a gorgeous day like this?  Well…

For some odd reason I woke up this morning with a severe case of the I want to syndrome.  Immediately I started thinking of what I wanted, when I wanted it, and none of it was good!

Don’t want to work, I want to play.  And on it goes from there.

On any given day, at any time we can decide to go off track and be totally self-indulgent.  We can make ourselves discontent and miserable focusing on what we don’t have rather than appreciate what we do; see the bad and forget the good.  I was there.  That’s when it hit me.

I need to die.

I need to kill this “all about Barbie” thing right now.  I need to get over myself and get on with what I need to do, what I’m supposed to do. This girl…this attitude needs to be put down.  So I put her down.

Now, let’s go to work and get over ourselves.  🙂

“Whether, then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”

1 Corinthians 10:31

Advertisements

Killing Me

I don’t like my perspective today.  I don’t like what I think will happen, what I see and what I feel.  I don’t like me or anything about me today. So I’m not doing it anymore.  I’m going to kill myself. I don’t have the desire to deal with me or “this” anymore.

I’m going to decide to trust God and what He says about me – that I’m cherished, beautiful, and the apple of His eye.  I’m going to believe He has a great plan for me, plans to prosper me.  He has hope for me and since I don’t (today), I’m going to keep moving on what He says and act like I believe it.  He’s my willpower and energy today because this ole gal is dead.  I’m choosing to “kill” her and not do anything, say anything or believe anything she says.  I’m living for and BY Him.

Some days that choice…that sacrifice is more significant than others.  Some days it’s easy and we live subconsciously doing our normal things without giving them a thought.  Other days we just don’t want to get out of bed.  Whether we’re going through something or recovering from having gone through something, some days we may not want to.

Even on good days, strong days, we should get ourselves out of the way and live for Him as that puts us in a different place, a better place…a place outside ourselves.  During those times, everything has more purpose and meaning and we see it’s really not about ourselves at all.

Killing ourself isn’t such a bad thing if it means sacrificing our wants and desires for Him and what He wants for us which is better and greater than we can imagine.  I’m willing to believe that and try it again today…are you?

Psalm 54:6 “Willingly I will sacrifice to You; I will give thanks to Your name O LORD, for it is good.”

The Painful Question

“Do you love Me?”

How that question must’ve cut Peter to the bone.  I wonder if his mind went back to the words spoken just before the events began to unfold:  “you will deny me three times…” (Mark 14:30).

I wonder if Peter relived that moment at the predicted third betrayal when Jesus looked at him (Luke 22:61).  The words must’ve cut like a knife.  Why would He even give Peter the chance to respond?  Didn’t his actions say he didn’t?  He had failed Jesus miserably.  How could he answer?  I imagine just attempting to answer was excruciating.

Wasn’t it enough that Peter had failed his Lord at the most critical time?  I mean by actions, by what Peter had done and said (denied Christ) you would think his fate was sealed.  Game over – all that teaching, healing, following; all those miracles he was witness to – that life – was finished because he had let Jesus down.  He committed the unpardonable sin – he denied Christ…and he did it believing he wouldn’t!

Yet after Peter had gone back to his familiar life “BC” Jesus waited for him and the other disciples on the shoreline.  He knew His Peter; Jesus knew where to find him.  He asked him three times if he loved Him – I believe – to allow Peter to get what was between them (in Peter’s mind and heart) taken care of so he could know he was forgiven.

I love this story.  It’s a beautiful example of the forgiveness and personal affection Jesus had for Peter…and has for us. How many times have we failed?  We may not have denied Christ as obviously as Peter did – we may not have shouted the words “I don’t know Him” – but at some time or another we’ve all fallen short of loving Him.  We’ve treated people badly, we’ve willingly done something we know is wrong; we’ve essentially said, “Lord I know this doesn’t please You.  You say this is wrong but right now I love me more than You and I want this more (than I want to please you) so I’m doing it” which is the same thing.

Then after the choice is made and regret and/or remorse sets in you’re feeling the sting of knowing you messed up. But look.  There He is, waiting for you to come to Him and settle it. Do you love Him?  Say it.  Are you sorry?  Say it. Let His words cut you deep so that you have to go to Him and settle it. He’s waiting.

OVERRULED!

I’m one messed up person. I have been through a lot – anyone who’s my age that’s lived any kind of life has. We’re impacted by life events whether we know it or not. We start out as children with the purest intentions and love without any constraint…then life happens to gradually, sometimes unknowingly change all that. We have an inborn expectation that everything is going to be wonderful and easy, everyone will love us just because they say they do; our families will support us and be there for us no matter what we do, what happens or which way we choose to go.  We get a little age on us and experience behind us and we become tainted and broken, like a glass that missed a proper setting on the countertop.

We fight and argue, we choose to judge those who are different from us. We stop believing in good and start seeking the bad. We stop believing in pretty much everything for a while perhaps. We become selfish and prideful, even arrogant and demanding. We start hurting people out of our own perceptions and because of what’s happened to us.

I don’t want to love and turn the other cheek.  My “nature” is to get before I get got.  OVERRULED!  The Christ in my life, and His Spirit inside me trumps my want to on many occasions.  I find myself often at that critical crossroad where I must decide to LET Him have His way.

I don’t want to work hard to make a living. I’m tired and want things to be easy.  OVERRULED! My love for Him forces a decision, yet again. I must decide to do ALL THINGS as if doing them for Him.

I don’t want to take a chance on showing compassion or helping anyone because there were times I was in the same boat and found myself alone.  OVERRULED! I know in my Spirit that things have happened for this specific reason – to show what God has done in my life to encourage someone else walking the same road, otherwise it would result in bitterness and be for nothing.

The “BJ Barbie” (before-Jesus-Barbie) was a selfish, mad, bitter and hateful woman incapable of emotions related to compassion.  “My nature” – who I really am and what I really WAS, partly because of choice, partly because of what happened – was, IS vile.  She still exists, but I CHOOSE not to let her be evident.

More than ever, we must choose to live, act, work and talk to please HIM and not feed our emotions. Sometimes I choose correctly and sometimes I’m overruled; sometimes I choose to be “bad” and even in those times, God still loves me – and Jesus is still very much with me.

Think He’s not with you?  Think He’s going to toss you because you’re less than perfect?  OVERRULED!!!

Forgive our humanness, Lord. May we allow You to overrule and supercede anything about us.

Why Do We Walk the Dog?

Every morning, no matter what my schedule is, I walk our Sampson.  He loves our routine. He gets a toy (usually his favorite, “bear-bear”) and off we go. Some of my days are chocked full of things I have to do and on this particular day, I was in a tiz. So little time, so many things to take care of. I started not to walk him then I looked out on the porch and there he was, tail wagging, bear-bear in mouth, staring at the door, waiting. How could I not? We started down the sidewalk and I found myself robbing him of the enjoyment of stopping and sniffing and exploring. “Hurry.” “Come on.” I thought to myself “I’ve done my part. I walked him but it can’t be like it usually is. We have to hurry. Too much to do…”

I stopped dead in my tracks and remembered what I had forgotten when we started. This walk is about HIM – not me. I do this FOR him. Not me. If he can’t enjoy it, there’s really no point in walking! I was on the verge of stealing his pleasure and making it all about me!

Sometimes we decide to do something and mean well but the joy and pleasure is taken making it about us. We don’t mean to, but circumstances get in the way and we resort to making it about us, our load and our mission. It’s good to be responsible for your stuff but when your responsibilities override the heart of the matter, there’s a problem.

With all we all have on us these days, protect your peace. Cover your own heart in prayer. Keep your motives righteous. The Lord (if you have a relationship with Him) will help you with that – actually HE gives the ability to discern why you do what you do. He only sees the motive behind the action, no matter what it looks like. Others see the action, He sees the only thing that matters to Him – the core of why we do what we do.

Now that I have two jobs, a house to take care of and all that goes with that, I have to remember why I walk Sampson. I walk him because I want what’s best for him. I want him to enjoy that special time he looks so forward to. I walk him, for him! Take a minute and remember why you do what you do.

Let’s go for a walk!

Convinced because I’m Compelled.

I’m compelled to eat peanut butter because I’m convinced it’s good. I sleep because I’ve been convinced it’s necessary to rest. I’m compelled not to walk down the middle of a busy street in the dark with dark clothes on because I’m convinced I wouldn’t live through it!

Why do you do what you do? Out of necessity, because it’s what’s expected? Some things are unavoidable – we have to do them to live. What about the things we do out of choice, why do those? Something had to convince us to do them. We try new things and decide we’re going to do them because we enjoy them, because they’re right…then others are a one time deal.

Taking inventory is sometimes a painful thing. Sometimes we find ourselves in a place we never intended to be because of things we never intended to do. Look back at your life. Has it turned out to be what you thought it would? When traced back to the beginning the why can be a surprise.

I started writing when I was 12 to deal with my pain and found it was therapeutic. It served the purpose of getting the poison out so it wouldn’t fester and poison me. What I write today in no way resembles what I wrote then. The reason I write has changed. Back then, I didn’t want anyone to see it because it was ugly and personal. Now I write with specific intent to share. I WANT others to read because I want others to see what I’ve learned. I want to bless others with God stories and lessons. It’s not about me anymore.

I’ve published three books that few have bought. Should I stop writing and blogging? Maybe…but I can’t because I’m compelled to write. I have to write whether anyone takes the time to read or not! I’d love to make a living at this but I don’t see that happening. I am convinced I have some good stuff to say because God compels me to write and share with you.

I’m convinced God has given me the gift of simplicity in conveying Him in everything. I’m not a scholar or expert in God or in life and certainly don’t think I’m best-seller worthy author. I DO think He has taught me life lessons in the simplest ways and I think that’s priceless. I’m convinced we ALL need God to live everyday life because He simply makes everyday life better. So I’m compelled to write what He shows me and share it with anyone who will read.

I thought about stopping. I thought about how hard it is for me to make arrangements to travel to speak and sell books- the packing and planning, the driving, the money it takes, the arrangements for the critters, my son, etc…do I really want to put myself through that? WHY do I put myself through it? Wouldn’t life be simpler just to quit? I’m often asked how much money I make (that seems to be the number one question) and what I get out of doing all that. You’d laugh if I told you the money part – it’s the other question that keeps me going: what I get out of it; that’s the part I love.

I see women lift up their heads thanking me for coming because my telling what God’s done in our lives encouraged them, changed them, gave them courage to believe their lives would get better. I’ve found myself to be lifted and encouraged when someone else is blessed. For me, that’s where it’s at. I’m compelled to keep on keeping on because I’m convinced I have keep writing, keep talking and keep believing God is good and it’s not about me.

It’s okay to inventory life and get rid of what’s not working or unhealthy. It’s okay to listen to others advise what they think is best but be honest with you when considering what you’re doing. Are you convinced you’re doing it right for you? Do you have to do what you’re doing? Is it such a part of who you are that you’d be a “lesser” you if you didn’t do it? Is God in that part of you, does it make you feel closer to Him or father away? In addition to the basic “is this good or bad” those are the inventory questions I ask myself.

I guess the bottom line is being convinced, right? If you’re convinced you’re compelled. Even when it’s hard and there are costs and sacrifices associated you HAVE to do it. That’s the way I feel about writing, about speaking…and about peanut butter.  😉