I’ve let you in before thinking I was strong enough and all would be fine and I’d live happily ever after. I’ve seen you through rose coloured glasses and convinced myself I was wrong; you couldn’t be “that bad”…to my regret.
I’ve been in the position where I had to consort with you to survive and to keep those I loved safe. I played along thinking I would get through it unscathed and no harm would be done. I thought I would be ultimately untouched because I was just…playing; playing the game I had to play to live through it. I thought I manipulated the great manipulator to my advantage. Perhaps I did, I don’t know. But I do know I survived.
Turns out, I was wrong. The wounds oozed nasty things like bitterness, hate, resentment, depression, regret…for a long, long time. My success in surviving a lifetime of pain was almost my failure. The pain and memories, for a time, were relentless and haunting.
I thought I had to stay wounded; stay pitiful; stay a victim. I don’t think that any more.
We will dance no more.
Your access to my life…any part of me…(unless allowed by God Himself)…is denied.
I deny you access into my mind. I deny you access to touch my now-healing wounds. I deny your presence in any area of my life. I am no longer your victim; I am His victor.
He protects, strengthens and renews me and if He’s the door you must go through to have any access at all to any part of me, my life, my family you can’t get through. Many times a day I may have to seek His protection and when I do that door you walked through before is no longer opened. Access denied. Anger…access denied. Depression…access denied…hopelessness…access denied…any way you think you can get in…any way you might have gotten in before, is denied.
I have to ask Him to be all those things in all possible ways of entry and I serve you warning: I have.
So, access denied.